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Can we turn these thorns into blossoms?

A Spark of Fear On the Train

I have been thinking a lot about the words we use about others. One day years ago I saw two dear friends talking together far enough away from me (we were on a crowded train) that I couldn’t hear them. In that moment a spark of fear flickered into existence in my heart: “They are saying mean things about me!” I shrank into myself as the spark of fear grew into a steady flame. “But what evidence do I have that they’d say bad things about me?” I knew they treated me kindly to my face, so why should I think they’d be mean behind my back?

A Pattern of Hurtful Words

My fear was so real and felt so well-founded that I kept examining my thoughts and feelings. I needed to identify the reason I felt so certain they were saying mean and judgmental things about me. Then I realized the source of my internal conviction. My mind replayed several instances in which the three of us had chatted, rehashing a conversation we’d just had with someone who was no longer present. Unfortunately this rehashing frequently included judgmental and disparaging comments about the absent person. It was clear that this had happened often enough for my subconscious to have noticed the pattern and drawn the very reasonable conclusion that these dear friends of mine were repeating previous behavior by talking bad about a person behind that person’s back.

A Decision to Change

I am ashamed that I did not recognize the problem with this behavior until I suspected it was directed at me. However, I am grateful that I finally saw the truth of the situation and brought it up with my friends. We decided to try our hardest to retrain ourselves to keep our comments about others positive or at least neutral, and I’m happy to say that I have been mostly successful since then.

Teaching Listeners that Our Love is Conditional?

Lately I have found that same flicker of fear growing into a steady flame when I am around people who regularly use judgmental, disparaging, and mean language about others. I understand that it’s easy and EXTREMELY popular to engage in name-calling and personal attacks on people with whom we disagree, but at what cost? Are we teaching the people around us that we will only love them if they agree with us on every topic? Are we teaching them to expect hateful words from everyone who disagrees with them on any issue?

A Compassionate Foundation

I submit that we can use compassionate language even with people who disagree with us. In fact, learning to use kind or at least neutral words with people who differ from us and to discuss them with others seems to me an essential foundation upon which all productive discourse and all genuinely trusting relationships are built.

When there’s disagreement, I long to hear statements like these:

“I don’t understand why they think that way,” instead of “they’re such a ——!”

“I see things differently,” instead of “can you believe that judgmental ——?!”

“They must have very different experiences from me to arrive at those conclusions,” instead of “No one in their right mind would think —–!”

Even better: “I wonder why they think that.”

Or ideally: “I hope they’ll help me understand why they think that. Maybe then I can explain why I think this. I’d love for us to understand each other even if we don’t agree.”

And in bad cases it’s acceptable to say: “The thing they said/did was really hurtful. I won’t talk to them again until they show me they’re ready to listen as well as talk.”

Stop the Collateral Damage

Our society will continue to fracture and crumble until we learn to accept that it’s normal for people to disagree with us about various things, and we can still care about them and try to understand them without using hurtful words and cultivating hatred. Our language has always had obvious effects upon those with whom we are openly disagreeing, but I submit there are equally damaging effects upon those listening without being in the line of fire. People we love and those who look up to us are learning from our words to either expect name-calling and harsh disapproval from us and others, or patient discussion to reach understanding and respect even where differences exist.

Lets Create Safe Spaces!

Imagine how safe people will feel to be themselves near us, knowing that we don’t attack others behind their backs! Imagine people opening up enough to form feelings of community and even friendship instead of feeling the constant need to defend themselves! I hope with my whole soul that each person will cultivate a compassionate perspective in their language and help others to do the same instead of continuing to count up the cost of name-calling on the targets, the listeners, and our communities.